I was sitting in a restaurant the other day waiting for a friend. I like being early. I get to do one of my favorite activities … people watch!

Yep, I’m a master people watcher. Because people are so interesting!

And predictable.

I noticed the woman who came in filled with confidence. She radiated sexiness. She commanded attention.

I also noticed the invisible woman; the woman who floated in without being seen. Her head was down. Her clothes were mismatched and two sizes too big.

I get both of those wonderful ladies because I’ve been each of them myself. And I know which I prefer.

Self confident. Charismatic. Sexy.

Being sexy has a bad wrap. The media would have you believe that a sexy woman is only after one thing, and it’s not good. She has no class. She manipulates. And she’s asking for IT [fill in the blank because IT can be so many things.]

I think they’re wrong.

Being sexy also means having charm. It means being self-assured. It means knowing who you are and you aren’t afraid to show it to the world. You’re radiant. You glow. Everyone notices you when you walk into the room … for all the RIGHT reasons.

A confident woman knows how to be sexy.

It’s not about appearance, talent, IQ, or social status. And yet it is.

Because once you define your own sexiness, all of those things improve right along with it.

A confident woman knows how to be sexy because she’s sure of who she is. She doesn’t care what everybody thinks about her. She knows what SHE thinks about herself, and that’s all that matters.

She doesn’t care about being liked by the world. In fact, she gets excited when she pisses off a few people. Because she knows she’s never going to have everyone on her side … and that’s okay. As long as she has confidence in what she’s doing, those closest to her will stand by her side.

To build up your sexy, you’ll need to:

Stop saying yes when you mean no

This is where women get it all wrong. We’re constantly saying yes to things we hate, to events we’re not crazy about, to ideas that don’t matter to who we are.

We do it to fit in. We do it to go along with the crowd. We do it because our social groups expect us to, not because it’s from the heart.

Ever said yes just to get someone off your back?

Stop.

Before you say yes, think first. Is it something you really want to do?

Stop saying no when you mean yes

The opposite happens too. Sometimes you really want to do something, and yet everyone around you says no. Ever wanted to go with the boys to a baseball game instead of hanging with the girls at the mall?

Why? Because we want to fit in with our own social group. And sometimes that gets in the way of us expressing who we really are.

Feel it in your gut. Ask what you really want to do. And then do it.

Upgrade the way you look

I live in a place where you can wear jeans – possibly workout gear – to the most elegant of events. Yep, a Saturday night downtown to a restaurant and the theater will prove it.

Yet just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

I’ve worked from home forever. I get up and write – early morning is my best time. But mid-morning I go out for a walk. Then I come home and shower and dress for the day. I do my hair, add a touch of makeup. Select really great underwear.

Why? Because I feel better about me. Even though I’m sitting alone at my table, I feel my best. I write better that way. I care more about what I say.

This isn’t about acceptance. Instead, this is about feeling your best. If you don’t make you the best you can be, you can’t show that side of you to anyone else.

Go out and get a great haircut. Invest in new lingerie – not for him, for you. Trade in your pj’s and fuzzy slippers for an outfit that fits the right way.

You can’t put off how you look and feel for another day. If you don’t do it every day, you’ll lose your reason why.

Stop changing your character

The more in tune you are with who you are, the fewer stories you’ll have to tell.

You know what I’m talking about if you’ve ever tried to be a different person with different groups of people. You hide a side of you from this group, open up another side when you move over there. It all gets a little overwhelming, trying to figure who the hell you really are.

I did that for years.

As a small business owner, I listened to my customers. And a good portion of them held very similar views. I kept quiet; I didn’t want to offend my clients. But it started eating away at me, making my facade anything but real.

Only when I was with my true tribe did I feel alive. I liked who she was.

So slowly, slowly, I let everything go that didn’t know the real me. I became more authentic. I spoke up instead of hiding my opinions away.

Did I lose friends? Yes. Clients? Definitely. Family members? Yes, even those closest to me.

But that’s okay.

I’m me now. And I don’t have to move to another character depending on where I go each day.

I became … ME!

When you live your truth, you’re calm and collected.

You no longer have to walk on eggshells hoping to avoid an argument. Or worse … judgment.

It allows you to hold your head a little higher because you’re not hiding a part of you away.

Stop Being Afraid

Will they like me?

Will they think I’m stupid/dumb/fat/ugly?

Will this hurt me?

Will I fail?

It’s human nature to ask those questions over and over again.

And most of us don’t even recognize we’re doing it. We put everything on autopilot, having our brains tell us we’re better off where we are, safe and secure.

Except that doesn’t keep us safe and secure. Not always.

It holds us back.

Many years ago, I started asking myself a question every morning.

What am I afraid of today?

Then I do one thing that sends chills down my spine. I push my way through it. And I usually find myself wondering what I feared.

It can be simple things: Driving to an unknown part of town.

It can be large things: Releasing my book to the world.

The more I do it, the easier everything has become.

And my confidence, my power … my sexiness has increased right along with it.

Sexiness doesn’t come from the store, or a bottle, or a service.

Instead it comes from being the very best you can be.

What are you afraid of today?